Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
