No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
