i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize