I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize