I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
