omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
