my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
