So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
