went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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