I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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