so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
