i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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