I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
But theres a keg here and me gusta
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
