1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
