dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
