I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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