If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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