Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
