So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
