Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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