I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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