she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
