Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
