is your mom at the bar?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
that may or may not have been my penis.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
