now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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