I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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