I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
