You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
