I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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