At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
