My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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