Umm I'm too high to move.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We are two peas in an std pod
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
