the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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