You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
