I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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