Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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