when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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