it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
