im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm passing your future prison.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
