you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Boobs are out for the taking
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
