I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
