if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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