i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
