I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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