Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
