I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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