apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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