you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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