I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
