My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this just has baby written all over it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
