I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Houston, we have a squirter
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
