Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
