shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
