im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I intend to get homeless drunk
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
