Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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