The maid of honor just puked.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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