first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
