am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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